I stayed in the hospital for almost a week. Five days to be exact. I was admitted on a Monday and was discharged by Friday. I was supposed to be discharged by Thursday but my BP shot up while in the process of settling the hospital bills - go figure!
Anyway, being in the hospital was great. Even if I have to be woken up almost every hour for BP monitoring, I still get to rest. I wanted to ask to room in with Caled but since I had surgery and I was in a bit of pain, I decided not to but I made sure that I go to the nursery every time Caled needs to feed. I decided to breastfeed him from the start.
The day came when I had to go home. I did not have a Nanny at that time so the only one to take care of Caled would be me. It did not sink in yet so I was still relaxed (maybe its also the side effect of the pain killers I'm taking).
The time when it sank in would be that night. I was going to sleep with Caled beside me. The visitors and the well-wishers left already and I would be left alone with another individual who would be 100% dependent on me. Yikes!
OK, in my line of work, I am responsible for a lot of people but that's work. Nothing personal to it. I was looking at Caled at that time and I was thinking - this little person would be looking at me for help in EVERYTHING! He actually came from me, ME! And he doesn't even have any way of communicating with me but by crying and CRYING A LOT! Notice that everything ended with an exclamation point. It's because that was exactly how I was feeling at that time. Total panic (you have to give me a pat in the shoulder as nobody knew I was panicking - I was sooooo composed).
Caled was so tiny. Weighing 4.7lbs. I was scared I would fall asleep and would not hear him cry or I would hurt him when I carry him or when I change his nappies. My boyfriend was not much help, he was more of a basketcase than me (men!). There would be times when I would be afraid to go to sleep and I would keep staring at Caled to check if he was breathing.
Don't worry, I did not spiral into complete insanity. I had to bear down on my fear and try to do my best every minute. I wanted to start reading on certain things in the net but I could not have the time to even go online. I was always with Caled 100% of the time. I would only be able to eat when he's asleep (luckily when babies are newborn, they sleep a lot). I had "well-meaning" relatives around but this is really a story for another entry, but I would like to be the one to always be around Caled. See, for the first two months, I took care of him without much help. It's just now that I am starting to teach the Nanny to take care of him. It's a good thing as I am able to memorize his cries, or what he wants and I'm able to teach the Nanny that :)
I eventually lost most of my fear and what's left now would be the constant worry associated with being a Mommy. I guess that constant worry would not really be gone...it will stay as long as Caled is my son...yep, the worry will stay for a very, very, very long time.
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