Christmas :)

This is Caled's second Christmas.  Last year, he was just awake for a while and then he went off to dreamland and the rest of us had our Noche Buena and continued with the Christmas Eve activities.  This year, it's different.  This Christmas Eve, we all went to mass - Caled, my siblings, my aunt, my cousins and a few friends.  I was expecting for Caled to have a tantrum since we had to wake him up to attend mass but my little boy was in high spirits...he was even singing for the most part of the mass.  

Caled is very sociable, he would smile at people and he's very comfortable to be with our friends, well, my cousins would normally take some time before Caled would go with them :)  During the mass, Caled was humming his favorite tune, he loved being held by my siblings and my friends...towards the end of the mass, we were able to go near the Priest and touch the image of Baby Jesus.

Once we reached home, Caled was able to open his presents...he's still very young to get all excited about presents.  He needed a LOT of help tearing the Christmas wrapping but once he saw the toys, he would get all excited about it.

This is Caled's second Christmas, I am sure each Christmas would be different for him...it is so wonderful to see Christmas through Caled's eyes....

Being a Child Again...

Yesterday, I came home from work after having almost one hour travel time from the office to our house.  The travel time itself was really tiring and all I can think of during the time I was in the taxi cab is  a very big glass of cold water.  When I got home, I went to the bedroom and saw that Caled was taking his afternoon nap in his crib.  I slowly crept towards the crib to look at him and this is what I saw:

It was enough to melt all of my tiredness away and to make me forget about the cold glass of water.  I spent the next few minutes just staring at Caled and wondering about what he might be dreaming of or even if he was dreaming of anything...he looks so contended.  There would be instances when he would smile or his eyes would flutter but after that, he would go back to this particular look. 

Do you remember how it was like when you were a kid, no worries...no stress...this Holiday Season, it would be great to have a little bit of that kid inside of us, it will make us enjoy Christmas better.  Merry Christmas everyone :)

Following my Passion....

After almost 10 years in the BPO Industry, I have decided to go to a different path...I have decided to follow my passion.  This coming year will be a start of something that I have always wanted to do, I will still work as I would need to have a consistent income but aside from that, I will do something on the side.  This is something very challenging for me, I have butterflies in my stomach just by thinking about it but as I've said....with HIS grace and the support of family and friends...I know I will not fail.  

I will definitely share with you what it will be once we have it accomplished....2011 will be a great year...I can feel it.

Here's a clue....

As always, this is for my Caled :) my dear son, you have made me more brave, you have given me the extra drive to do something on my own...this is for you son...I love you so much.

Blessings....

This is my extended family...I said before how blessed I feel by having great people around me.  I would say now that Caled is doubly blessed by having the same people around him.  I would not have to worry of having help with regard to making sure Caled grows up to be a good person, I don't need to...he is surrounded by good people.

For this alone...I am ever thankful...

Enjoying Bedtime

For almost ten years, I have been working in the graveyard shift.  My normal day would start with me waking up at 5PM and being at work at 8PM or 9PM...that was normal for me.  Recently, I was given a different duty - I am now assigned for an account that runs in the morning shift.  Regular time for regular people - the change, surprisingly, is a welcome change.

I am now able to enjoy bedtime with Caled and be able to have him sleep beside me.  I would also be able to read to him regularly - before, there would be times when I need to pass up on reading to Caled as there are times when I'm needed in the office early due to meetings or conference calls. 

I guess after almost ten years...it is about time for me to join the normal world.

First Attempt at MovieMaker

I did not only make a collage for Caled, I tried out making a video too...this will be handy during birthday celebrations :)

I'm actually working on some other videos that I can do, yep...when I have spare time.

I love being a mom...

Caled Collage

I made a collage of my favorite Caled pictures from the time he was one week old to the time he's a year and a half. While I was looking at the finished collage, I could not help but think of where all the time had gone.

Caled continues to be a happy, healthy and loving child, I can't even call him a baby anymore as he's no longer a baby.

We love you Caled, so much.

Changes....

I used to be a workaholic - used to be. I normally stay in the office for an average of 14 to 16 hours, daily. Sometimes, I'd even go to work during my restdays. That was before, its not the same now...

I just realized this yesterday when I was talking to my office colleague and we were talking about moving up the corporate ladder. I realized right there and then, I am OK - where I am. I am not even thinking of moving up anymore, if it happens, why not...if not, its not bad at all.

I am able to provide for Caled and I'm also able to spend more time with him - as I've said, I'm OK where I am.

For my friends who I've worked with for the past few years, I'm sure you would be surprised to know that I do not spend more than 8 hours in the office now :) There's someone I would rather be with at home - Caled.

I enjoyed being a workaholic for some time. I loved being a daughter until I became a sister...right now, no other role would be better than me being a mother.

Lessons from Caled

This is Caled, he will be 17 months old tomorrow. I, on the other hand am 35 years old. Believe it or not, I am learning a lot of things from my toddler. I guess it's not really true that mother's knows best...well, not most of the time.

I learned how to be more loving through my son...Caled has a way of smiling. When he looks at me and smiles, that's when I see true love, joy and acceptance. It makes me feel so good even during the most stressful days.

We love you Caled, thank you for teaching us how to give unconditional love, thank you for making us happy and thank you for being the good boy that you are.

Mommy, where do you really stand?

As far as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a mother. At a very young age, I would play with my dolls and be their Mommy - I'd feed them, cook for them, dress them up, take them to school and help them with their assignments. I would say that my first ambition in life would be that of being a Mommy.

When I first learned that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! For some time, I have been called Mommy Cathy by a lot of my close friends. It follows because I have been known to give unsolicited advise and also, I like looking after my friends. A friend described me as a natural nurturer, one said I was selfless - I could go through it one by one but you might say I'm lifting my own chair.

Well, what I did not expect would be the transition, the change from being Cathy to being the Mommy of Caled. I am still the same person but I am also very different...When I did not have Caled, I have friends I would go out to dinner with, friends I would have coffee with, friends I would have a few (or a lot) of drinks with...you get my drift. When Caled came to my life, those friends are still there but somehow, things have changed...well, I have changed.

All of a sudden, the center of my universe became this little boy. I would often joke that I have a new boss, in a way, I do. Everything that I do, I plan, it has Caled right in the center. Before, it used to be my brother and my sister, now...they take a back seat and Caled took priority. They understand, they are also smitten with the little boy.

There would be times when invitations would come - dinner, drinks, coffee. Some days I'd go but most days, I'd rather stay in and be with the little man. Somehow, it feels like time would go by fast and in a blink of an eye, I would not have the quiet moments that I have with Caled. When he starts going to school, I'm sure the 'don't kiss me in public, Mommy' rule would apply - so, right now, I get all the kisses and the hugs I can get.

There is a little bit of envy, a little bit of hurt also when I don't get asked to go with friends on certain night outs...maybe some of them know that I would just decline the invitiation, understanding that I would rather be with my son. The feeling of envy and hurt would be fleeting, it does not last long. There's also the reason that when I go out with them, I would not have the same interest anymore...I just go on raving about the latest Caled tricks and it's not really a very good conversation piece over drinks :)

So, the question is....where do I stand right now? Well, just for now, for a little while longer...I stand by my little man. I know there would come a time when he would have his own thing - his group of friends. I would like to be able to stay on until he find those friends...after which, I'll lay low...be Mommy and just observe.

When that time comes - calling out to all my friends...I would really NEED you that time. I'm sure I would be the one to have separation anxiety...not Caled. Me (sigh).

Caled, here are a few words to live by...

Respect: The golden rule is correct in every way...we need to treat people the way we would like to be treated. There are times when we are not treated right, it may have happened in the past, it may still be happening or it may happen in the future but not being treated right does not give us any excuse to treat other people in a bad manner. It takes more courage to actually turn the other cheek, to turn a deaf ear to bad things that are being said about you. At the end of the day, you are not answerable to these people, it would be between you and GOD. Respect is not freely given, it is earned. Respect is not synonymous to fear....Respect is when people follow you because they like to and not because they have to.

Think: A lot of things are done wrongly because a lot of people would not take the time to think before they act. Most of the time, actions happen as a reaction to certain events. If only we would take a few seconds to actually think, we would very well arrive at decisions that would benefit more. This can be attributed to simple things, before you even do anything, THINK...how would you feel if you were put into that particular situation, how would you react? Bear in mind that not all men are created equal, there are those who are superior...those who would pause, think and then do action.

Trust: I said respect is not freely given...but trust is. It makes a big difference once someone feels that you trust them. A very simple example, if you have two people assigned to do two similar tasks - one, you've given support and trust, the other you doubt to fail....chances are, the one you've given support and trust would be able to do the task better. He may even exceed your expectations. On the other hand, the one you've doubted would have difficulty in accomplishing the task, simply because he knows that he is expected to fail...this would mean whatever it is that he would do, he would still fail, after all...he is expected to fail.

Laugh: What is life without laughter. I think the main point of us Filipinos being resilient lies in our capacity to laugh. The capacity to find humor in everything. This does not mean that we should find everything funny, it just means that sometimes, it does help for us not to take ourselves too seriously. Sometimes, during those light moments...that is when you actually find great ideas, its when you actually realize that yes...life is worth living and not everything is quite as dire as how you envision it to be. Do yourself a favor, laugh...and laugh with conviction!

Love: Everything, all of what we need to accomplish, everything we need to do, we are able to do because of this one simple word. It makes us say we can do it, even when we are at the end of our rope....it gives us that added push when we know we have given all. Everything and anything can be done when you put love in it.

New Hair :)

Caled has gone through two haircuts already, going bald would be the latest :) It doesn't really matter what hairstyle he has...he is still sooooooo handsome. Yep, I am one proud Momma!

Better me than Caled....

Caled and I are sick. Well, right now, I am still sick and he's getting better. He got a cold last Saturday night and by Sunday morning, I got it too. It's really very difficult to have a toddler get sick and also, he's teething!

In times like these, I would always think, well, it's better me than Caled. It's better that I'm the one who has the cold than him. With me, I know how I can blow my nose and take medicine at the right time. Caled, we need to aspirate his nose and have him take his medicine even when he's asleep. Here he is, in dreamland and here comes Mommy waking him up to shove medicine down his throat (ok, that's an exaggeration, we use a medicine dropper and the medicine is yummy, I tried it).

Caled is a strong little toddler, he's also a very good boy (yes, I mention it quite often). When he's sick he is usually more sweet, he loves to be held and he would always, always insist on sleeping beside me in the bed. When he does, he makes sure that he is always touching me. He still smiles a lot and goes through his usual routine - this is the reason why I love my little man so much.

He's teething too, so he would normally throw up every now and then...threw up on the floor, his Nanny and me...all part of the teething process. I know, I read on it and also, Caled is not losing appetite, he's still his usual "I love my soup, veggies and milk" kind of toddler...

Today, as usual, he woke up with a smile and started blabbing...I had to take a day off from work as I was feeling so awful last night but waking up to that usual Baby Babble - it made me feel much, much better....

A-chooo! Sorry, excuse me...let me just get a tissue.

How to Keep a Positive Attitude and Stay Positive Around Negative People

This is a good read...got it from a friend :)

How to Keep a Positive Attitude and Stay Positive Around Negative People by Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You think of yourself as a basically happy person. You try to make an effort to stay positive. But the people you work with are so negative. Or, the people in your family are so negative. Now what? Try some of the following tips for staying positive even when surrounded by people who have a negative outlook on life. Some of these tips are ideas for reducing the negativity while other tips help you to calmly accept your circumstances. The suggestions include both concrete actions you can take, and ways you can change your attitude to accommodate your environment.

1. PRAY. One thing that we should never underestimate. This definitely goes on top of the list.

2. Assume the best about the intentions of those around you. Unless you have facts to prove otherwise, assume that the negative talk is simply the bad habit of complaining.

3. Don't take it personally. Even when negative talk is directed toward you, don't take it personally. Negativity is basically selfishness, and their selfishness is about them, not about you. Yes, this is very difficult to put into practice. When you are the target of the other person's complaints, and especially their sarcasm, it is very hard not to take it personally. Try, however, to remain objective and assess whether their is any rational basis for the criticism.

4. Have compassion for negative people. While it is unpleasant to be around negative people, it is far more unpleasant to be an negative person. Each of these people is highly troubled. They perceive themselves as victims of hostile life forces beyond their control. They feel helpless and afraid. The most belligerent of them are the most fearful, paranoid actually, despite their outward bluster.

5. If it is compatible with your belief systems, hold a White Light of peace around each person who troubles you, or say a silent prayer for them. Perhaps light a candle for their spirit. Intend that they find their own happiness. Do this as an act of compassion and generosity, and not as an attempt to alter their behavior for your own benefit.

6. Forgive them. Forgive them for everything they have ever done that has been difficult for you. Then forgive them again and again for each new bit of gossip, sarcasm, or anger.

7. Have gratitude for what is positive. No person or situation is 100% negative. Have gratitude for everything that is positive. Make a list of everything that is positive about the person or situation. Keep writing until you have compiled a meaningful list. Then give thanks for all that is positive.

8. Consider how you can cheer up the negative person. Can you compliment a co-worker on a task well done? Even give them a note of appreciation or a gold star? Inquire about their family? Be supportive of their troubles without either agreeing or offering suggestions? However, if your attempts to befriend someone create more hostility, Stop. You tried, and there is no point in doing anything to annoy them further.

9. If all your attempts to create an uplifting connection with the negative person fail, establish your own boundaries and create your own happiness within your own personal space. Visualize yourself encased in an invisible protective "egg" that surrounds your body and enhances the positive while keeping the negative elements out. Create your own private world of joy.

10. Balance the negative aspects of your life with more powerful positive aspects. If your job is filled with negative influences, it is all the more important that your family life be positive. If your extended family is negative, it is crucial that your intimate relationship be positive. If your relationship with your spouse is negative, seek to have every other influence in your life be exceedingly positive. Seek out new positive opportunities. Cultivate friends with positive attitudes. Join groups that are populated by very positive people.

Am I Ready for This?

I now have a toddler...Caled turned one year old last May 19 - Am I ready for this??

Its surprising how fast he has grown, the night before his birthday, I was reminiscing the first time I got to know I was going to have Caled, the first time I felt his movement inside my tummy - it was like the flutter of butterfly wings! Now, I can't believe I have this bubbly, healthy, strong and handsome boy :)

I know I have a lot of reading to do, consultation with friends who are mothers as well...but I also know that each experience would be different as no two children would be the same.

Everyday, I pray for God to guide me and give me the wisdom to be able to raise Caled as a good son. A son who would please Him.

Work vs. Family

OK, this may not be a new topic...for all the working mothers out there, for sure you've gone through this, you're going through this and for those who are pregnant...you'll go through this.

I am a working mom. I have been working for the past 16 years. There have been changes from howI was when I started working to how I am now...there are a lot of changes as to how I was working when I did not have Caled and to how I'm working now that I have him.

The good points, I now work with more purpose...its not a matter of getting my salary and going out to fulfill my need for shoes, now, its more of working because I need to save and put aside money for the little one's future. I learned how to save and now, Caled and I both have our own accounts and I make it a point that I deposit the same amount of money in each of the accounts every payday.

I also learned to be more patient - super patient. Its not a matter of "I can easily look for another job if I want to" - nope, I now am more into staying in a particular job longer because I need to focus on making sure everything is stable for Caled and my siblings.

I learned how to balance my time, I don't spend more than 10 hours in the office - yes, me, the one who used to have an average of 14 to 16 hours of work on a daily basis. At the end of the day, all I can think of would be the welcoming smile that Caled normally gives me when he sees me arrive home from work.

Now, the bad points - I would sometimes work from home and last Sunday, while I was on the phone with someone in the office, my Caled woke up and gave a scream...he is so used to sleeping beside me every weekend and he's used to smelling me beside him when he rolls towards me, I guess he felt that I was not there beside him and he just screamed and cried for almost 30 minutes. He only stopped when he opened his eyes and felt me carrying him and singing to him...its was heartbreaking! The only time I felt guilty that I'm working hard.

I guess it would always be a struggle and eventually, Caled would start talking and he would learn to ask me why I'm not home most of the time. Right now, he would always get me to carry him whenever he would see that I'm getting ready to go to work...he doesn't cry but he looks at me with those button eyes and I feel like I don't want to go to work anymore...

The joys and hardships of being a working mom....I still have a long way to go....

First Hurt...

I never thought I would get to experience the type of fear and worry that I've gone through last Friday. I was getting ready for work and Led suddenly leaned forward and had a minor accident. OK, for the granma's and granpa's and tito's and tita's reading this...don't panic and do not go berserk - Caled is OK. I am just writing this to let my emotions out.

I guess it really is nerve wracking when you see your child get hurt, no matter how minor it is - if it's the first time, it is so heartbreaking - I was literally having difficulty breathing when it happened.

Caled leaned forward and lost his balance and hit his lip in the floor, it die not get swollen but it bled a bit. Of course the little tyke was screaming his head off. I was holding him and I felt like crying and screaming as well - I did not. I asked for his Nanny to get some ice and talked to him in soothing tones so that he would stop crying. He did - have I ever told you how much of a good boy he is?

Caled proceeded to go through his usual before bedtime ritual, he did not throw up and he did not get dizzy, a sure indication that he did not hit his head. I then, proceeded to go to work. On my way to work, all of these ugly, ugly thoughts came to my head. All the bad 'what ifs?' I even called my cousin who's a doctor and also sent a message to my brother to check on Caled once he gets home. I contacted our HR office to ask for my health card account number so that I can take Caled for a check up. I also left the office early just to make sure that Caled is fine. I was not able to breathe normally not until I got home and saw that he really is OK - sleeping in his usual "I own this bed" manner.

When I was pregnant with Caled, I said...I will be a logical Mommy and would not over-react over the littlest things. I would normally read and go through different things in the web just to make sure that I am well informed and I would not panic over petty things. But seeing that little amount of blood in Caled's lips last Friday? That made all of the readiness fly away...I was just the usual Mom who would not want to see her baby hurt.

My officemates were telling me, its normal. OK, it may be normal but would it be possible for me to be very, very, very careful so that it won't? Maybe, in the future, there would be times when he would definitely get hurt - it would be in a different manner. The kind of hurt that I would not be able to avoid or to shield him from....that is more scary. But, from what I have always promised myself previously, I would only be able to guide him and watch him become the man that he would be and I really, really hope I would be able to guide him well. In the end, I hope and pray that I would be a good Mom in the sense that I would have him fight his battles and cheer him on, I pray that I will not be overpowering and I won't be demanding....and please, please, please....Lord, do not let me live my son's life for him...if I start doing that, someone, anyone who's reading this message - give me a good whack in the head.

He can Crawl!

Caled turned 10 months last March 19 and the same day, he learned to crawl...am I ever the proud Mommy!

If I Could....

Funny how you listen to some songs that did not mean anything in the past and all of a sudden, you hear the song again and now, it holds a different meaning....motherhood....I love it!

If I Could (Celine Dion)
If I could I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes. Give you courage in a world of compromise yes, I would. If I could I would teach you all the things I've never learned and I'd help you cross the bridges that I've burned yes, I would if I could. I would try to shield your innocence from time but the part of life I gave you isn't mine. I've watched you grow, so I could let you go. If I could I would help you make it through the hungry years but I know that I could never cry your tears but I would if I could yes, if I live in a time and place where you don't want to be you don't have to walk along this road with me. My yesterday won't have to be your way if I knew I would try to change the world I brought you to and there isn't very much that I could do but I would if I could, oh baby I just want to protect you and help my baby through the hungry years 'cause you're part of me and if you ever ever ever need I said a shoulder to cry on or just someone to talk to I'll be there, I'll be there I didn't change your world but I would if I could

Mommy Weekend....

Weekends! I love weekends....

My weekends have changed a lot since I became a Mommy. The old me would normally be at a nearby watering hole on a Saturday morning. Consuming buckets and buckets of beer along with other officemates. This would be what I call "de-stressing". After which, I would go home and spend the rest of my day sleeping, not unless I would have friends who would plan something for the evening.

That was then....now, I am more satisfied staying at home and spending time with my Bachuchuy. There's that certain excitement after work to go home. I could not wait to go home! Reason being, everytime I get off the cab and see my little one all of the stress that I have had in the office - it would all disappear. Caled has this welcoming smile and he would always reach out asking to be held the minute I get home.

Weekend, I would just normally spend time playing with Caled when he wakes up. Give him his milk, give him his bath and watching cartoons with him. I would sometimes have a weekend massage but I would rather have it at home rather than go to any spa. Home became, well, HOME.

I really love, love, love these quiet times at home with Caled...yep, I really think I have become a Mommy and I don't think I would have it any other way :)

Time Flies...

Caled is nine months already....he's growing so fast! It seems like he always has a new trick whenever I would come home from work.

Nowadays, he's into biting me and his Nanny and his Tita Honeylet and Tatay Ryann, that's because he's already teething, he already has four teeth :)

Led also loves to screams! He would be in the middle of mumbling words and then, all of a sudden he'll scream! The first time, I thought he was screaming because he was hurt but when I looked at him, he was flashing that adorable smile of his - plus he had that proud look in his face.

I really want to document everything that he's doing, make sure that I am able to write about it or capture photos of it but then, I'd rather be around him and spend those times with him - I can always store those moments in my memory and in my heart :)

Forever Worried, Forever Nervous, Forever Guilty....

Lately, I find myself always nervous, worried and guilty - yes, its a lot of emotion to feel at once and believe me, its not easy to feel all of these emotions all at the same time but as I've said...lately, I've been feeling it.

I am a working mother to a beautiful eight month old boy. I thought when I went back to work, I would get used to the feeling of being apart from him, anyway, its just going to be for a few hours a day, I was mistaken. It seems that everytime I go to work, I could not help but be worried, nervous and guiltly...always.

I love working. I used to stay long hours in the office, ensuring that every task is done and every issue resolved prior to going home. Now, I make it a point that I finish everything I need to do within nine hours and after that, I would get my things and go home, all the while imagining my little boy's smiling face. He always greets me with a smile when I get home, the feeling I get whenever he does that is unbelievable!

To say that I am so smitten and so much in love with my little man would be an understatement. Looking at him, I fall deeply, truly and unconditionally in love, over and over again. To see him smile brings happy tears to my eyes and to hear him giggle - I feel I can take on anything.

The worry, nervousness and guilt, I feel it whenever I would leave home to go to work. I feel as if a part of my heart is torn and is left home. I guess it follows when you become a mother, you would always leave a part of your heart out, open, unprotected. You will get hurt, its already a given. You will get hurt everytime your child gets hurt, you would ache for every disappointment that he will encounter, you'd get mad with every person who would hurt him. In the end, you would only have to be there for him, to support him and to let him face his challenges. Hold his hand when he needs it and give him advice when he asks for it.

I just wish that Caled will become the man that he should be - God fearing, loving and kind. I could only do my best and be here for him. I love you Caled, with all of my heart.